Sunbeams illuminating a coastal forest in Port Orford, Oregon

Chuggnutt!

Category: Humor

  • Speeding

    My wife sent this story to me today, from the eBay forums. I thought it was pretty good.

    An old lady gets pulled over for speeding…

    Old Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?

    Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

    Old Lady: Oh, I see.

    Officer: Can I see your license please?

    Old Lady: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.

    Officer: Don’t have one?

    Old Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

    Officer: I see … Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?

    Old Lady: I can’t do that.

    Officer: Why not?

    Old Lady: I stole this car.

    Officer: Stole it?

    Old Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

    Officer: You what?

    Old Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

    The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up.

    Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car.

    A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his
    half drawn gun.

    Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

    The woman steps out of her vehicle.

    Old Lady: Is there a problem sir?

    Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

    Old Lady: Murdered the owner?

    Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

    The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

    Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

    Old Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers.

    The officer is quite stunned.

    Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

    The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

    The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

    Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

    Old Lady: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

  • Scary Picture

    Michael Jackson's mugshotThis has got to be the scariest picture I’ve ever seen.

  • Church Sign Generator

    This is too good: The Church Sign Generator.

    Church sign

    Obviously, I’m going to have way too much fun with this.

    Church sign

  • How to Win a Barfight

    Another fun little tidbit reprinted from a friend’s daily “Survival” calendar.

    Most state laws stipulate that you may use sufficient force to stop the attack, but you may not deliver any sort of punitive retribution to your attacker. Knowing this may save you a costly trip to court.

    1. Attack the most sensitive areas of your opponent: eyes, groin, knee, and throat.
      Stay close; if your opponent is large he will need room to hit you.
    2. Attack repeatedly and be efficient.
      Make fast, repeated blows to any or all sensitive areas.
    3. If necessary, use a weapon.
      Choices include telephones, pens, bottles, books, beer mugs, coffee cups, and keys.
    4. Protect yourself from additional attackers by fighting with your back to (but not up against) a corner or wall.

  • You might be from the Northwest…

    I found this document from February 2000 when going through some old files on the computer and thought it was funny; I think it originally came from some email humor.

    You might be from the Pacific Northwest if you…

    1. Feel guilty about throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
    2. Use the expression “sun break” and know what it means.
    3. Know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
    4. Know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
    5. Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
    6. Stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the “WALK” signal.
    7. Are amazed by accurate weather forecasts.
    8. Consider that if it has no snow or has not recently erupted, it’s not a real mountain.
    9. Complain about Californians, as you sell your house for twice its value to one.
    10. Know the difference between Chinook, Coho and Sockeye salmon.
    11. Know how to pronounce Sequim, Puyallup, Issaquah and Oregon.
    12. Consider swimming an indoor sport.
    13. See your golf ball bounce, you know immediately that you’ve hit the cart path and not the fairway.
    14. Can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese and Thai food.
    15. In winter, go to work in the dark and come home in the dark—while only working 8-hour days.
    16. Obey all traffic laws except “Keep right except to pass.”
    17. Never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
    18. Are not fazed by “Today’s forecast: showers followed by rain,” or “Tomorrow’s forecast: rain followed by showers.”
    19. Can’t wait for a day with “Showers and sun breaks.”
    20. Have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
    21. Can taste the difference between Starbucks, Seattle’s Best Coffee and Veneto’s.
    22. Know that Boring is a town in Oregon and not just a state of mind.
    23. Can point to at least two volcanoes, even if you can’t see through the cloud cover.
    24. Say “The mountain is out” when it’s a pretty day and you can actually see it.
    25. Have more rain gear in your golf bag than golf balls.
    26. Put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 50, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.
    27. Switch to your sandals when it gets above 60, but keep the socks on.
    28. Have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
    29. Have a heater in your golf cart.
    30. Think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
    31. Knew immediately that the view outside of Frasier’s window was fake.

    AND…..

    32. You know you’re from the NW if you buy new sunglasses every year because you can’t find the old ones after not having used them for such a long time….

  • Dilemma

    I got this in email today, and I liked it. It’s probably making the rounds, but that’s okay.

    You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:

    1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
    2. An old friend who once saved your life.
    3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

    Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading… This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

    . . .

    You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

    The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: “I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.”

    Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to “Think Outside of the Box.”

    However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop, then drive off with the old friend for some beers.

  • Survival Tips

    A co-worker has one of those page-a-day calendars, where you tear off each day and it has some interesting content of some kind… normally, they’re comic strips, or trivia, or word-of-the-day things, but this one is a survival calendar. So it has things like “Today in survival history” and “Today’s Hero” and the best, various survival tips.

    Among such choice tips as “How to stop a runaway camel,” “How to escape from a sinking car” and “How to foil an alien abduction” is one that was too good not to share here:

    How to Jump from Roof to Roof

    1. Look for any obstructions like gutters and small walls at the ledge of the roof.
    2. Make certain that you have enough space to land and roll.
    3. Check the distance between the buildings.
      Most people cannot jump farther than 10 feet, even at a full run.
    4. Run at full speed toward the edge.
      You will need 40 to 60 feet to gain enough speed to clear about 10 feet of distance.
    5. Leap.
      Make sure your center of gravity is forward. Try to land on your feet, then immediately tuck your head and tumble sideways onto your shoulders.

  • I’m here all week, folks…

    What with the recent talk over Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez getting married, I’ve heard speculation that she might take to calling herself “J. Aff”. I think they’ve got the wrong idea. She should take both surnames, hyphenated, so she’d be Jennifer Affleck-Lopez… or, you know:

    J. Aff-Lo.

    Hey, it could be worse, I could be making AFLAC jokes (cue the duck squawking, “Affleck!”)…

    And look, the government is all set to release their new Monopoly money at the end of March! <Insert Park Place joke here…>

  • Priceless

    Dell Dude

    Now, if only someone could do something about those damn Dell Interns…